and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize