plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
