Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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