he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
