I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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