Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the day after is always just damage control
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
