I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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