I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize