I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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