I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just high enough for therapy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
