Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
