Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
