I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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