wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize