If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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