I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
lets start a swedish sibling band together
is wine microwaveable?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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