everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
