there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
