did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize