this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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