new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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