You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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