Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
