he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
