I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
