We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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