he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
