Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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