When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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