We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
