U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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