what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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