i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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