you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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