I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Houston, we have a squirter
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
