Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
