The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize