sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
