not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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