I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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