I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
