Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
