do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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