So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
