GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
