whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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