Where are you?
In a non slutty way
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
