i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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