Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
