Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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