He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
