When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize