Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
