There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
