I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
