my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
