My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My feet surprised me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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