end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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