do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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