I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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