If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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