she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
