We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
