I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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