When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
