Someone shit on the floor
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
