Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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