I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
