tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
