Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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