Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
