This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
